#Goodbye letter to my addiction full#
I thought I had escaped you but you came back in full force, worse than ever, again in the form of alcohol. To get away from you, my unhealthy relationship, and impending relationship I moved all the way across the country. I got engaged to a man who also was in love with you and three people in a relationship does not work. You took me into such a dark, sad place alone and addicted to you. You took me from being an honor student to barely graduating and not getting to walk in my commencement ceremony. I would not sleep for days on end and barely made it through my student teaching.
Very quickly you turned on me again and became my every waking thought. This helped me stay thin and sent my eating disorder into overdrive, and enabled my desire to always be “perfect”. It gave me energy for days for everything from study, work, binge drinking all night, and killed my appetite. Whenever I did not want to feel, or wanted to become someone I wasn’t, you always showed up.Īfter alcohol I found the devil himself, which I believed was my perfect drug, Adderall, my senior year of college. You presented yourself in many different forms over the next nineteen years of my life in drugs, people, and food. This was the beginning of our sick and tumultuous love affair. Then your rath set in and I came to sitting on the floor throwing up all over myself.
Soon enough I was blackout drunk and not feeling any of the pain I felt all day everyday. I hated the way you tasted but loved the way you made me feel. I grabbed that bottle of vodka, putting it straight to my mouth, feeling it burn down my throat and into my stomach. That New Years Eve I gave into you for the first time. I said no to you for years, determined I was not going to let anything affect my studies or extra curricular activities I loved so much.
I felt lost and unable to control anything that was happening around me. You started taking over my life at the young age of fifteen when I was lost and vulnerable during divorce. This is my final goodbye to my addiction to drugs, alcohol, eating disorder, codependency, negative self talk, self hatred, and need to be accepted by others.
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